boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
2. Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some
sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
3. why do we drink water...????
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I am too much shocked
you dont know?
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because we cannot eat it
4. God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light .
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
5. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take
only one. God is
watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is
watching the apples."
6. One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and
woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to
school."
SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers
hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to
school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to
school?"
MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should
understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
7. What are the three fastest ways of communication?
Three fastest means of communication in the world.
Tele-phone
Tele-vision
Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster?
Tell her not to tell anyone
Ø Until I was 13, I
thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
Ø I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when
it happens.
Ø Always and never are two words you should always remember
never to use.
Ø I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served.
Ø The road to success is always under construction.
Ø I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!
Ø Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Ø Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of your time.
Ø When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
Ø Born free; Taxed to death.
Ø Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don't
have film.
Ø Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Ø Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.
Ø I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the
paperwork.
Ø A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed
paper tray and the blinking red light.
Ø The hardest part of skating is the ice.
Ø The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy
who invented the other three, he was the genius.
Ø The trouble with being punc tual is that there's no one
there to appreciate it.
Ø If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there
phone bills?
Ø If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the
universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park
bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
Ø Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon!
Ø If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Ø It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at
the end.
Ø I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Ø Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's Law of Burnt
Fingers)
Ø The cigarette does the smoking - you are just the sucker.
Ø Someday is not a day of the week
CLASSIC DEFINITIONS
Cigarette ~ A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at
one end & a fool at the other.
Love affairs ~ Something like cricket where one-day
internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Marriage ~ It's an agreement in which a man loses his
bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
Divorce ~ Future tense of marriage
Lecture ~ An art of transferring information from the notes
of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing
through "the minds of either".
Conference ~ The confusion of one man multiplied by the
number present.
Compromise ~ The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears ~ The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is
defeated by feminine water-power ..
Dictionary ~ A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Conference Room ~ A place where everybody talks, nobody
listens & everybody disagrees later on.
Ecstasy ~ A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a
feeling you have never felt before.
Classic ~ A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile ~ A curve that can set a lot of things straight
Office ~ A place where you can relax after your strenuous
home life.
Yawn ~ The only time some married men ever get to open their
mouth.
Etc... A sign to make others believe that you know more than
you actually do.
Committee ~ Individuals who can do nothing individually and
sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience ~ The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb ~ An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher ~ A fool who torments himself during life, to be
spoken of when dead.
Diplomat ~ A person who tells you to go to hell in such a
way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist ~ A person who starts taking bath if he
accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist ~ A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says
in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist ~ A person who says that O is the last letter in
ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Miser ~ A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father ~ A banker provided by nature.
Criminal ~ A guy no different from the rest... except that
he got caught.
Boss ~ Someone who is early when you are late and late when
you are early.
Politician ~ One who shakes your hand before elections and
your Confidence after.
Doctor ~ A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills
you with his bills.
Computer Engineer ~ One who gets paid for reading such
mails......
